Warning Sign #4 - Perfectionism
My wife has perfectionist tendencies and often feels like a card-carrying member of the Rat Race. Perfectionists are ruthless in self-evaluation. Their inner drive can be depressing for both themselves and others as they continually push to set and achieve higher standards. At the very core of this warning sign is an innate fear of failure and rejection. The main problem for the perfectionist is the inability to distinguish between the “I should’s” and the “I could’s.” Overuse of the words “should” or “ought” drive into you the inability to meet your own standards. Your self-esteem then plummets.
Here are twelve statements to help you see how much of a perfectionist you are.
Answer “yes” or “no.”
1. I can’t sit through even a half hour TV show without getting up to do something during the commercials. 2. I have to look at many selections before buying the “right” gift. 3. When I listen to a sermon, I easily pick up on grammatical mistakes. 4. I can’t stand a messy desk or work space. 5. I often find it takes a long time to finish a project because I keep thinking of new ways to improve it. 6. I am always straightening up after family members, even when they are not finished with the item. 7. I can often think of a better way to do something than the way someone else did it. 8. It takes me a long time to decide what to wear to special occasions. 9. I walk into a room and notice if a picture on the wall is crooked. 10. When I got a “B” on a test, I felt my world was crashing in on me. 11. I never start anything I know I can’t do well. 12. It drives me up a wall to see the greeting cards out of place in the store, so I straighten them.
What if every area of your life is caught in the “all-or-nothingism” of the perfectionist’s thinking? What if you have reduced your life to a system of black-and-white polar opposites, so that either all is well in your world or nothing is? What if you must achieve complete success -- a piece of work flawlessly executed, a relationship with no conflicts in it, your personal best in every race, an “A” on every test? If you are caught in this endless trap of tunnel vision, blaming and shoulds, musts and have-tos, there is only one way you will ever get out of it. You need to stop and spend time alone with God in prayer and meditate on what He shows you.
Put Aside Perfectionism There will probably be several areas, in which you will want to seek God’s input. We will look at four common ones. 1. Establish your priorities. Sometimes we get so caught up in our perfectionist ways that we neglect critical areas of our lives. When we get out of balance in any of the following five priorities, we are in trouble. By bringing them back into God’s perspective and balance, we can often intercept the perfectionist tendencies that may be there because we are weak in one or more of these areas:
Spiritual Health. We need to have quality time with the Lord. This means that if we are not regularly praying and reading the Word we well may find ourselves trying to compensate by doing things for God, pushing ourselves to accomplish things that please Him. Too often we buy into the Enemy lie that the things we do for God are the most important things. Spending time with Him can sometimes seem less important than our witnessing, teaching a Bible study, or serving on committees. The visible becomes more valuable in our minds than the less visible. But God’s priorities are exactly the opposite. He wants us to spend time with Him so we can in turn be and do what He wants. We have to grow in Him to stay spiritually healthy.
Emotional Health. Oftentimes, we try to get our self-worth from the wrong source—accomplishments. When we feel uncertain about our acceptance before God or with others, we can get caught in the trap of performance, which leads to perfectionism. What we need to do is to know who we are in Christ. There are many wonderful statements in Scripture telling us just that. For example, “for he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight” (Eph. 1:4). We are dearly loved (John 3:16) and highly valued according to the parables Jesus tells about the hidden treasure and the pearl of great price (Matt. 13:44-46).
Another misconception in the area of emotional health is that we have to be perfect in order for God to be pleased with us. But if we will look at Ephesians 1:6 (KJV) we read that we are “accepted in the beloved.” This acceptance is not because of what we do but rather because of who Jesus is and the fact that we are in Him if we have invited Him into our lives as Lord and Savior. Therefore even perfectionists can and should be willing to risk falling short of perfection when they attempt to do what the Lord has asked them to do. Emotionally, it is very helpful to keep our eyes on Jesus, do what He asks, and not worry about the results. Leave the results in His hands. When we do this, we free ourselves from many traps of the Enemy such as worrying about what others think, or beating up on ourselves when we don’t measure up to perfection.
Social Health. People need to be made a higher priority than things. Perfectionists too often strain relationships by demanding the same high standards of others as they do themselves. Just as emotionally we have to see and accept ourselves as God sees and accepts us, so also we have to let others be imperfect and make mistakes. In other words, we have to give others the same permission to be less than perfect that God gives us. If we don’t, we will end up alienating people.
Intellectual Health. God has given each of us one or more abilities. But as with any talent, it takes time to develop the skills necessary to do well in an area in which we are gifted. Fear of failure can cause perfectionists to lose out on much that God wants them to do because they are not willing to take risks and be seen as less than perfect.
2. Seek the Lord’s help in dealing with perfectionism. Begin by identifying those areas in which you are a perfectionist. Then ask the Lord to show you why you are a perfectionist. Are you insecure, fearful, trying to please, wanting a sense of accomplishment and meaning? After you identify the sources of your perfectionism, ask God to help you overcome them. Share your discoveries with your spouse or a trusted friend and enlist their help as you try to overcome. 3. Learn to relax. One of the things that is crucial in avoiding the pressures of the Rat Race is to free your mind from the anxieties of the day. I have a “dump tree” which serves this purpose. It is a large tree overhanging a stop sign on the way home. Each day, as I drive past that tree on my way home, I mentally “dump” all the concerns of the day at the base of the tree. The next day as I return to church, I “pick them up” as I pass by the tree. Part of being able to cope well with life is to get enough rest. When we are tired, we become inefficient. We need to learn to pace ourselves, even to schedule rest and recreation in order to avoid the tyranny of perfectionism. 4. Admit that you are not God. When we decide to take control of our lives -- to play God -- we often find that God has to let us come to the end of our rope, to have to cry out to Him, before we will turn loose and let Him once again be in control. There is only one God and we cannot usurp His place! We need to learn how to keep from putting yourselves in the place of God, how to let Him lead us, and how to draw closer to Him so we can avoid all Enemy traps to lure us away from His will for our lives.
On the journey with you, Pastor Glen
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